Happy November Friends!
This past week has been a bit emotional. I feel like a broken record with that statement. I am realizing how mentally unprepared I was for this trip. I have never been on a long term mission trip before, so I guess I was naive. Because I didn’t go with a group & came over here on my own, I had no prior team meetings to attend or weeks worth of focus sessions to get prepared about the culture, what to expect and how to deal with your emotions. Unfortunately, (or fortunately) like the annoying pattern in my life - I jumped right in, feeling confident and thinking I would “figure it out” as I went. Once again I was very wrong. I have figured out all the immediate necessities like my way around, how to drive, where to get food, dealing with the locals, my duties at Kuyasa, a bit of Afrikaans and a pinch of Xhosa. Those all seemed a bit stressful in the beginning but completely normal and pretty easy looking back.
I really thought that somehow my emotions wouldn’t get involved over here. Crazy, I know. I figured that I would magically always feel HAPPY and “good” about myself and what I was doing. I didn’t imagine I would miss my friends, family or the comforts of home so much - knowing that it was only 6 months and the time would go by fast. I figured if I did, those feelings would wear off in a couple of weeks and I would be focused and strong. I didn’t think about how the children, students or staff would affect me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not ignorant. I knew that I would gain new friendships and build relationships, which would be hard in the end to leave. But, I am a seasoned pro at good-bye’s so how hard could it really be?
The emotions I feel now are so different then I expected. I always thought I was a bit “dead inside” and my friends often joke to me about my cold heart. Now I feel like my heart is being slowly and painfully ripped and on a daily basis I can’t tell if it’s breaking more or healing. I guess a little of both. I can imagine it’s similar to when we purposefully tear our muscles to rebuild them stronger. Let me share some of the reasons why my heart hurts so. The closer I get to these children, the more they open up and start to share with me. They are starting to feel a sense of security and whether they admit it or not, I know that it makes them happy to see my face and that I haven’t “left” yet. I wonder how many people in their lives leave? The little 7th graders keep asking when I am going home and if I will be back after the December holiday. When I answer them “Yes, I will be back in January” they get all excited and very loud. They have these huge bright smiles. Then they ask (for about the 50th time) “Sis Katie, are you coming to our summer camp?!” and I answer once again, “Yes, I will be there for the entire camp. You can’t get rid of me!” and I hear some more shouts, laughs and witness a few American high fives.
The older kids on the other hand are a different story. I can tell these friendships are really going to test me. Like I mentioned before I have started to meet with them on an individual basis to help with career guidance, college applications or basic studying skills. I know how I felt that first day I visited my career advisor and how excited I was to think about the possibilities of what I could do with my life, how I could use my skills and what career would best fit me. The pure JOY I see from their eyes during those meetings is the most amazing feeling ever. It’s like for the very FIRST TIME they are looking outside of their little world, their little box and thinking “What if?” Most of them have signed up again and usually the hour goes by too quick and they are asking if they can stay a bit longer. The other day I accidentally missed a meeting with one of the students because I over-stayed with two others. I felt so bad. Luckily she was cool about it and we re-booked.
Cute story - yesterday (Saturday) I received a random phone call from one of the teenage girls. I answered and heard, “Hi! I was thinking about you and wanted to say hi.” I was totally taken back and honestly trying to figure out what she just said, who she was, and how this person got my number. (She spoke very quick with her Xhosa accent.) She could sense my pause on the phone and quickly reminded me who she was and then I was embarrassed and said “OH Yandiswa!” I apologized and asked her how her weekend was and how she was doing. She sounded very happy and then as quickly as she said Hello she said “Okay, Good-bye!” and that was the end of the conversation. It was hilarious actually and I stood there and started laughing.
I’m sure you are thinking, “Well that is great Katie, what is the problem then?” The difficulty arises when you start to develop friendships and suddenly the reality of your new friend hits you like a ton of bricks. The reality that Kayamandi is only approximately 1 square mile and there are 35,000 people living in that 1 square mile. Think about that for a moment. And this is a tiny township, one of the smallest. There are an average of 7-10 people living in each shack. (yes, those little box shapes that I take pictures of, and yes I said 7-10.) That means that out of those 10 people maybe 3-4 of the adults sleep on a mattress, (if they are lucky to have one or two) and the remaining children sleep on the floor. On the hard, cold floor. Maybe with a blanket, but probably no pillows. Even more depressing is that these poor children are in the same tiny little room while their parents are having sex. Some of them are even on the same bed. If the mom doesn’t have a husband or if that husband already passed from disease then her regular (excited) boyfriends are coming over and entertaining while these poor children are trying to sleep on the floor or beside them in bed. Can you imagine trying to sleep in the same bed with your parents doing it?
Even worse, during the December month, which pretty much all South Africans have off as a holiday, the townships become total party central. Crazy, loud and full of crime. I am learning about all of this through a couple American friends who have lived here during a few Decembers. In South Africa most people get a holiday bonus. Some of those locals in a township spend that entire holiday bonus on alcohol and are pretty much drunk 24/7. By the end of the month they have spent all their bonus money and have no money left to feed their children because they are drunk. The crime and rape significantly goes up during December and these children have no escape. My friend regularly invites the teenage girls over Christmas Day to have a safe place to sleep and she said that last year about 25 or so showed up. From what I heard the actual day of Christmas is the biggest drunk fest yet and more kids get abused on that day then we can even imagine. How sad is that? The HIV population in a typical township is about 50%. Think about how these children are exposed to sex, alcohol and crime since they were born. The kids become sexual at very young ages because that is all they know and they want to experiment. Sex for children gets old and soon sex becomes a game, an obsession. Next thing you know boys are having fun with gang rapes. You get my picture?
Another disheartening but true fact is a few weeks ago I was browsing through the paper and saw an article about Khayalitsha (a much larger township in Cape Town, about 1 million people). The article headline read that they had found the serial rapist, whose last victim included a 4 year old little girl. I honestly could not believe this headline and had to read. It was like a bad accident that I couldn’t stop staring at. I read a couple paragraphs, realized it was a true story with the horrific and bloody details of this poor child and many others, and almost threw up. My stomach hurt and I just couldn’t imagine how sick in the head anyone could be to go to that level. But then I thought, “That man was probably abused by people all his life and that is all he knows.” The vicious cycle goes on and on and on. Sadly, I don’t see an end.... until the end.
So when I am working with my new Xhosa friends and see the JOY in their eyes that there just might be a way out for them and their suffering might end some day, my heart tears. Maybe someday they won’t be using a bucket as toilet and dumping their own waste. I want so badly to get through to them and hope they will have the ambition and the courage to at least try. My prayer is that I can get through to someone. If I could just change one life..... think about the lives that person might change, knowing what they know, what they have endured. Has anyone ever cared? Most of these kids that come to the learning center have little to no parental guidance and they are free to roam. The parents don’t discipline. The parents don’t seem to care. Most of the parents don’t even realize their kids come to the learning center. I think the kids come to have some stability. To see a familiar face and someone who cares. So, no wonder I cry. Not only do I miss my home, my family, my friends... but now I am starting to look at these little children with a clearer vision and I shake my head and wonder. I find myself more in an upset, quiet mood then I imagined. When I get home all I want to do is do nothing, or read or sleep. My poor parents. When they do get the chance to talk to me sometimes they hear a crackling voice and long pauses on the phone. Of course they think they lost connection and question, “Are you there?” They probably think I don’t want to be here, but I do. I honestly do. It’s just much harder then I imagined.
I will end on a positive note, as I got refreshed this weekend. I borrowed some DVD’s from my church which I apparently really needed! They were Joyce Meyers, “You have what it takes” and also, “You have to get out of the boat if you want to walk on water.” I was reminded again why I am here and that it wasn’t meant to be easy... It’s not about me. And it will probably get harder and I will continue to struggle with these emotions on a daily basis. But that is okay. The day I decided to quit my job was the day I decided to get out of my boat. My boat was comfort. Since that day there has been challenges, joy and tears. I was petrified to leave my job. Fear of failure, fear of not finding another job, fear of not being liked again. I had security, comfort, friends, health insurance, a vehicle, a stable pay check. What if I never found that again? What if I never made those amazing friendships again? Fear kept me there way too long. Time I won’t get back. Getting out of that boat was scary and coming over here was even scarier. I’m sure the beginning of my next chapter will be scary as well. But I got out of the boat and I wouldn’t change a thing. I am so happy with my decision and had I never stepped out, I would never be experiencing all of this, good and bad. I have a fresh perspective on my life now and the lives of others. I can feel parts of me coming alive again that have been asleep for many years. New visions. New dreams.
Everyone has their own boat. Sadly most people never have the courage to step out. I know so many of you (hopefully you are reading this) that complain all the time about everything! Hating their job, wishing they could lose weight, wishing they had a better marriage, or wishing they could have more fun. Some of you wish you had more friends. Some of you wish you weren’t so tired or didn’t drink so much. But most of you do nothing about it. Wishing isn’t going to do anything for you. Only taking action will. If you want to lose weight then quit eating so dang much and get off the couch and exercise for 30 minutes. Can you handle one hour less of TV? If you want a better marriage then you should actually spend quality time with your spouse, bring date nights back, and add some much needed spice to your marriage. Those of you who hate your job... have you ever even attempted to look for another one or updated your resume? Probably not. If you are so tired, then quit saying yes to everything and stop over-booking yourself. Trust me, those people will be just fine that you aren’t hanging out with. And for those of you who complain that you don’t have any good friends or a significant other, when is the last time you actually went out of your way to introduce yourself to anyone or attend events to meet new people? You are not going to meet anyone in the comfort of your home, sitting on your big comfy couch.
We are all guilty of these things, myself included. I’m just thinking about things differently now and want to share. I plan to stop complaining and start start taking action as well. Think about your own Boat. What do you fear? Maybe it is time to grow a pair and face your fear. 2010 is not over yet. It’s a good year to do great things. You will always remember this year. Find the courage. I promise it is worth it.
