Finding a New Identity

Have you ever been asked what you are good at? I was asked that last week, and I didn’t have an answer. It was quite humbling.

I was asked that question by the Director of Kuyasa. She requested a meeting with me and started it with, “Tell me about yourself.” (Oh my goodness , where do I start?) She was trying to figure out my specialities, my experience, what I was good at, and how I could help their organization. She said “Do you teach?” No. “Do you have musical abilities?” No. “Do you have film experience?” No. “Web Design?” No. “Counseling?” No.” “Are you good at Math?” No. “Have you worked with children before?” No. “Do you speak Xhosa?” Definitely No. “Afrikaans?” No. She paused and then said “O.k....Well, tell me about your job. What did you do?” I shook my head and said, “Trust me.... my job won’t help me with anything here.” I tried to explain that I sold packaging. She wasn’t comprehending. She replied, “Ohhh, okay, you designed it? I said “No. I sold it.” I could tell she was grasping for anything and then she inquired about my specific job duties. Again, a difficult question, considering that the actual “selling” was a very small portion of my job. The administration, putting out fires & calming customers was the majority of the job. She finally said, “Okay, I’m not sure where to use you here. What are you good at?....” So I sat there in silence for awhile pondering, and suddenly trying to hold back tears I honestly replied, “I don’t know.”

I went to the back porch and looked out over the township at all the shacks and spoke out loud, “God, why am I here? How am I going to help?” It’s strange coming from a prior life where I felt confidence in my career and that I was doing a decent job. My skill-set, like anyone in the corporate world, was basically Communication, Muti-tasking and Problem solving. I didn’t enjoy what I was doing, but it was what I knew. I did this day in, day out, because I was comfortable at it. Comfortable in my own misery with a bit of confidence. I’m here now out of my comfort zone, a little home-sick, feeling helpless and feeling like I have nothing to offer. I don’t speak their language, I can’t control the children, I have none of their specialities. So I ask myself again, what am I good at? After I had answered “I don’t know” I realized just how much I had made my career my identity. If I didn’t have a career what was I? What an awful way to think.

Before my meeting with the director ended I found the courage to say “Look, I don’t know how I can help you. I know that I feel God wants me here right now and he will use me. I’m just not sure when and where. Tell me what needs to be done and I will do it.” I asked her to think about what she’s been wanting and didn’t have time to do. She perked right up and talked about needing an updated brochure for Kuyasa. So that night I stayed up very late and created the brochure. I had no clue what I was really doing, but I talked to the right people, got the right pictures, the right info and put it together. To my surprise, the Director really liked it and she’s hoping I can help her with some other material. After that conversation I was pulled into a meeting and asked if I could attend their Hats & Glasses (young adults: ages 16-21) team camp as one of the leaders. I have no idea where this camp is, but it’s apparently a 3 hour drive away and I’ll be leaving on Monday. I was told what to pack and given an agenda. I’m sure I’ll have some interesting stories to share.

Yesterday the Volunteer Coordinator was very busy getting ready with her team for their Swaziland Trip. The coordinator gave me her keys and asked if I could take over. So I was in charge and told all the volunteers that were showing up where to go, what grades they would cover and gave them all the necessities for class. It was a bit chaotic, but felt great. After my last class two of my grade 7 boys came up to my and asked if I could help them. They had most of the math problems wrong and although I tried to show them on the board during class, they weren’t listening. So I spent an extra 15 minutes showing them what they had done wrong and slowly worked through some difficult problems with them. I wrote some examples on a sheet of paper that they could keep and reference to later. They looked very happy and expressed their gratitude. I smiled realizing that I had actually helped someone. Amazing.

So the good news is I’m starting to feel a bit more helpful and needed. I might not have the specialties that they were hoping for but I show up early, work hard and am looking for any ways to help. God is my boss right now. I am working for free, out of Love. In return he is working on peeling my layers, tearing down my identity issues and creating a better Katie. By the end of the 6 months I’m sure I will be able to list a few things that I am good at... and they won’t be selling paper cups.